Post by Honda Kiku on Feb 9, 2012 2:03:33 GMT -5
It was supposed to be a drabble, that turned into this. ^^; Enjoy~
Start~
Love hurts. It hurts not only the person who loves, but the person who is loved. That Kiku knew from firsthand experience. His first love.. That strange Caucasian man that often visited Chuugoku-san in the past. Trading opium. Iggirisu-san. From when did he fall in love with that person? He could not say for certain. Perhaps it was simply the odd difference that first enthralled him. The green eyes, green! the white skin that was so unlike his own, the yellow hair, yellow! Of all colours! It was royal! and the different way of speaking.. He was so different.. Perhaps that was what had drawn him in.
It was alien.. but strangely fascinating.. And maybe his curiousity made him fall in love.. He did not know, but the speculation seemed plausible.. When those green eyes had their attention turned to him.. he was flattered. Why would someone so unique look at plain him? He had little to give. His eyes were a dull, lifeless brown. His hair, was simple black and not in a style that was worth mentioning. He spoke little and gave little to anyone. He was so plain. Plain and unmemorable.
Still, those green eyes turned to him. They befriended him. They talked to him and laughed with him. They gave him roses... This made the heart in Kiku's chest beat wildly. It was unnatural, but some say that love was unnatural so perhaps it was natural that way..? It was odd. It was very odd to feel nervous when the other came to visit. To have that feeling in his stomach. To have this warm feeling come to him whenever he was complimented. It felt that he mattered. He mattered to someone. He was special. He.. he was happy then. He was very happy then. But love would always lead to hurt. He would learn that.
England left. His Asa-san deserted him. Not a word was said to warn him of the departure at all. Japan was abandoned. It hurt.
Perhaps he was not so special after all. Perhaps he did not matter at all. Perhaps it was all a trick, to let him open up. Perhaps he was just being used. If that was the case, he should be happy that it has stopped. But he wasnt. Kiku remembered collapsing on the harbour, seeing the person that he thought actually liked him, leave without a single goodbye. It was sad. He didnt like it. He also remembered tears. Tears and staying there until someone, he forgot who, dragged him away and back to his house. He remembered pain.
He found out that England left because the business that was being held here was bankrupt, and since there was no profits.. He left. He left because Japan could not give him what he wanted. He left because Japan could not ensure that the business was good and viable. He left because Kiku was not a good business partner. So the only reason why England wanted to befriend him.. was for those reasons. And since those reasons were not achieved.. he left. If Kiku wanted people to ot leave him.. then he would need to ensure that he was strong. He was beneficial. Kiku needed to be perfect in order to keep the ones he liked close to him. That was what he learned and decided to be from now on.
But it sill did not help the pain.
There, he went into isolation, unable to face the world. Unable to gather himself. If he showed the world how weak he was.. he would not be strong, nor would he be perfect. Then nobody would like him. And.. they would use him. They would use him, and take all they can get before tossing him away once they were done. If this was the world that Kiku lived in.. It was a world where it would be nice not to exist to them. Isolation. Only him.. and the people he trusted. His family, and..
England tried to come back, he knew. He tried to come back twice. But Japan refused to see him. He refused to let him see how affected he was over this loss. The loss of him. He did not want to let England see how weak and useless he was.. He did not want England to hate him more. No, he did not want that at all. The fact that England came back.. Why..? To see his mettle? If that was the case.. then Japan had failed the test horrible. If it was to set up new businesses, then why did he not say that when he left? Why not a promise of 'I will be back'? Why would he abandon him without a word? After the second time, England did not return. Japan cried some more.
From then on, Japan made sure that only the people he knew would be inside his land. Any outsiders, aliens would be sentenced to death. With that, he was left alone. Mostly at least. Netherlands still visited him regularly. That was his hope. He was another alien figure.. But a figure that did not hurt him. In fact.. the Netherlands seemed to be kind to him. Treated Japan like some kind of little brother, perhaps? In that case.. maybe not all aliens were bad..? But Kiku was too scared to find out. He clung on to what he had and pushed away what he did not have. He never wanted to be hurt like that again.
His isolation of two hundred years was proof that Kiku Honda did have a heart.
The next time he fell in love, it was with the person that he had lived beside all his life. The person that had tried to care for him since his early childhood. When he realised that he was in love, again, Kiku did not know. But what he did know was that he no longer wanted to be brothers with him. No, he wanted to be on an equal standing. He no longer wanted to be thought of as a child. A little brother. A family relation. He wanted more. But no matter how much he tried, his efforts seemed to be.. unyielding of any results. His relationship with China stated to decline. It became from displeasing, to bad. But Kiku could not bear to think of ever losing the one he loved. No, he wanted to make sure that China would always stay with him. Always be together. Forever. Always..
That was when Germany came to him. An alliance. A chance. An opportunity to make sure that China would be his, always and forever. His own, and nobody but his. Completely one hundred percent mine They say obsessive love is like a cancer in the heart. But whose heart are they talking about? Yao's? Kiku's? Or.. Kuro...?
For when obsession came into it, so did Kuro. And where Kuro came, there came darkness. Days and days on end Kiku would be unconscious while Kuro rampaged around. Doing all that he pleased, and all that gave him joy. Joy that Kiku himself had never really understood. When Kiku opened his eyes he saw blood, and gore and pain and suffering. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, he was on his way to the axis training. Once that was done, he would return to where he was stationed before, but before he got there, he would blink and when his eyes opened, he would be in bed.
Days flew by like a dream. He did not know how much has passed from one transition to another, and Kuro withheld all that your pathetically weak mind would not be able to process he could not handle. he knew bits and pieces. he knew and overview, but he did not fully understand what was going on. But then again, Kuro had always done that to him. He could never know how far Kuro went. But as for Yao-the one that will be ours.. Kiku did not see him for a long time. Not since he said 'I am sorry' and unsheathed his sword. What had happened to him? Was he alright? Was everything fine? Was he very hurt and injured? With these thoughts, he fell back into slumber.
What he knew next was... Kuro rejoicing. Something about Yao finally becoming his. Something.. something.. and a fade to black
When he woke up, Japan was failing. Japan was losing the war. And he knew that his people was suffering. He could feel their pain and terror. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it to stop so badly. He went to his emperor... his king was powerless as well. What had Kuro done..? Stepping pout of the palace he fell back into darkness. But even when Kuro was in charge, he could feel one horrible burning sensation. Pain. Painpainpainpainpain everywhere. It hurt so much.. So much..
The next thing he knew.. he was at the hospital. The doctors were saying something about being mentally unstable.. Schizophrenic.. multiple personalities... and he was drugged back to sleep. In those flashes where he woke, he saw America.. England.. the allied forces.. Yao..? Golden eyes started at him hatefully, spite and disgust in his every feature. Around his shoulders was the arm or Russia. That smiling face soon led him away. Not before turning back of course and mouthing a few words. Isnt your love simply wonderful..?
China himself looked hurt. Something that he himself did to the other. The person he wanted to keep close and love and cherish. the person he wanted to be with forever. He had hurt. He had hurt horribly. Is love.. it was a dangerous thing. He thought back of his previous love, England. Perhaps he knew how dangerous his love was. Perhaps that was why he ran away. he did not want to be loved in such a way. Kiku's love would hurt the ones that was supposed to be protected by it. Kiku's love was dangerous. This was a lesson, Kiku swore never to forget. If he wanted to love another person again.. he would do do by keeping as far away as possible. It would be the best. That night, with that lesson, Kiku Honda stopped his heart and cried again.
But even with his tears, he knew that his heart was no longer beating.
Love hurts. It huts the person who loves, and it hurts the person who is loved. This was something that Kiku Honda learned. He promised himself he would never fall in love again. It was not worth it. It would hurt not only him, but the other party as well. He did not deserve to love anyway, since he would only cause hurt for the one he loved. He was a broken person, with multiple personalities, an unstable mind, and was covered so deep in sin that he did not even have the strength to move forwards. How could he move forward when he never knew the full extent of what he did? How could he ever apologise when he knew he probably did things that simply could not be apologised for? He did not even know how far he went.. How can he do anything, when he was unable to be sure of himself..?
Such a person.. such a person did not deserve love, or even pity. He did not deserve sympathy. In fact, he did not deserve anything at all. So he calmly took all the negative words thrown to his face everyday. He made sure that he would always try his best to apologise for the things that he had done, knowingly or unknowingly. And he knew he could never stop doing it, because there would never be an end in sight where he would finally be worthy of anything. The world was dull and grey, and that was how it was supposed to be. So he created a world where he would be worth something. His world of 2D. His escape. His lifeline. His safety, for without it, he would have surely drowned into a pit of depression.
He forgot about love. It wasnt meant for him. He put his shields up. He would never fall in love again. Love was out to hurt him, and hurt the one he loved as well. He would not let another be hurt by him,. He would not let the person he cared about be hurt by him. Even if he needed to push that person away with all his might. It was for both their own good. Kiku would not be hurt again. And neither would the one he loved.
That was why when blue eyes turned to him and a small smile graced the German nation's face the next time, Honda Kiku only returned it with a small nod, turned, and walked away.
End~
Start~
Love hurts. It hurts not only the person who loves, but the person who is loved. That Kiku knew from firsthand experience. His first love.. That strange Caucasian man that often visited Chuugoku-san in the past. Trading opium. Iggirisu-san. From when did he fall in love with that person? He could not say for certain. Perhaps it was simply the odd difference that first enthralled him. The green eyes, green! the white skin that was so unlike his own, the yellow hair, yellow! Of all colours! It was royal! and the different way of speaking.. He was so different.. Perhaps that was what had drawn him in.
It was alien.. but strangely fascinating.. And maybe his curiousity made him fall in love.. He did not know, but the speculation seemed plausible.. When those green eyes had their attention turned to him.. he was flattered. Why would someone so unique look at plain him? He had little to give. His eyes were a dull, lifeless brown. His hair, was simple black and not in a style that was worth mentioning. He spoke little and gave little to anyone. He was so plain. Plain and unmemorable.
Still, those green eyes turned to him. They befriended him. They talked to him and laughed with him. They gave him roses... This made the heart in Kiku's chest beat wildly. It was unnatural, but some say that love was unnatural so perhaps it was natural that way..? It was odd. It was very odd to feel nervous when the other came to visit. To have that feeling in his stomach. To have this warm feeling come to him whenever he was complimented. It felt that he mattered. He mattered to someone. He was special. He.. he was happy then. He was very happy then. But love would always lead to hurt. He would learn that.
England left. His Asa-san deserted him. Not a word was said to warn him of the departure at all. Japan was abandoned. It hurt.
Perhaps he was not so special after all. Perhaps he did not matter at all. Perhaps it was all a trick, to let him open up. Perhaps he was just being used. If that was the case, he should be happy that it has stopped. But he wasnt. Kiku remembered collapsing on the harbour, seeing the person that he thought actually liked him, leave without a single goodbye. It was sad. He didnt like it. He also remembered tears. Tears and staying there until someone, he forgot who, dragged him away and back to his house. He remembered pain.
He found out that England left because the business that was being held here was bankrupt, and since there was no profits.. He left. He left because Japan could not give him what he wanted. He left because Japan could not ensure that the business was good and viable. He left because Kiku was not a good business partner. So the only reason why England wanted to befriend him.. was for those reasons. And since those reasons were not achieved.. he left. If Kiku wanted people to ot leave him.. then he would need to ensure that he was strong. He was beneficial. Kiku needed to be perfect in order to keep the ones he liked close to him. That was what he learned and decided to be from now on.
But it sill did not help the pain.
There, he went into isolation, unable to face the world. Unable to gather himself. If he showed the world how weak he was.. he would not be strong, nor would he be perfect. Then nobody would like him. And.. they would use him. They would use him, and take all they can get before tossing him away once they were done. If this was the world that Kiku lived in.. It was a world where it would be nice not to exist to them. Isolation. Only him.. and the people he trusted. His family, and..
England tried to come back, he knew. He tried to come back twice. But Japan refused to see him. He refused to let him see how affected he was over this loss. The loss of him. He did not want to let England see how weak and useless he was.. He did not want England to hate him more. No, he did not want that at all. The fact that England came back.. Why..? To see his mettle? If that was the case.. then Japan had failed the test horrible. If it was to set up new businesses, then why did he not say that when he left? Why not a promise of 'I will be back'? Why would he abandon him without a word? After the second time, England did not return. Japan cried some more.
From then on, Japan made sure that only the people he knew would be inside his land. Any outsiders, aliens would be sentenced to death. With that, he was left alone. Mostly at least. Netherlands still visited him regularly. That was his hope. He was another alien figure.. But a figure that did not hurt him. In fact.. the Netherlands seemed to be kind to him. Treated Japan like some kind of little brother, perhaps? In that case.. maybe not all aliens were bad..? But Kiku was too scared to find out. He clung on to what he had and pushed away what he did not have. He never wanted to be hurt like that again.
His isolation of two hundred years was proof that Kiku Honda did have a heart.
The next time he fell in love, it was with the person that he had lived beside all his life. The person that had tried to care for him since his early childhood. When he realised that he was in love, again, Kiku did not know. But what he did know was that he no longer wanted to be brothers with him. No, he wanted to be on an equal standing. He no longer wanted to be thought of as a child. A little brother. A family relation. He wanted more. But no matter how much he tried, his efforts seemed to be.. unyielding of any results. His relationship with China stated to decline. It became from displeasing, to bad. But Kiku could not bear to think of ever losing the one he loved. No, he wanted to make sure that China would always stay with him. Always be together. Forever. Always..
That was when Germany came to him. An alliance. A chance. An opportunity to make sure that China would be his, always and forever. His own, and nobody but his. Completely one hundred percent mine They say obsessive love is like a cancer in the heart. But whose heart are they talking about? Yao's? Kiku's? Or.. Kuro...?
For when obsession came into it, so did Kuro. And where Kuro came, there came darkness. Days and days on end Kiku would be unconscious while Kuro rampaged around. Doing all that he pleased, and all that gave him joy. Joy that Kiku himself had never really understood. When Kiku opened his eyes he saw blood, and gore and pain and suffering. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, he was on his way to the axis training. Once that was done, he would return to where he was stationed before, but before he got there, he would blink and when his eyes opened, he would be in bed.
Days flew by like a dream. He did not know how much has passed from one transition to another, and Kuro withheld all that your pathetically weak mind would not be able to process he could not handle. he knew bits and pieces. he knew and overview, but he did not fully understand what was going on. But then again, Kuro had always done that to him. He could never know how far Kuro went. But as for Yao-the one that will be ours.. Kiku did not see him for a long time. Not since he said 'I am sorry' and unsheathed his sword. What had happened to him? Was he alright? Was everything fine? Was he very hurt and injured? With these thoughts, he fell back into slumber.
What he knew next was... Kuro rejoicing. Something about Yao finally becoming his. Something.. something.. and a fade to black
When he woke up, Japan was failing. Japan was losing the war. And he knew that his people was suffering. He could feel their pain and terror. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it to stop so badly. He went to his emperor... his king was powerless as well. What had Kuro done..? Stepping pout of the palace he fell back into darkness. But even when Kuro was in charge, he could feel one horrible burning sensation. Pain. Painpainpainpainpain everywhere. It hurt so much.. So much..
The next thing he knew.. he was at the hospital. The doctors were saying something about being mentally unstable.. Schizophrenic.. multiple personalities... and he was drugged back to sleep. In those flashes where he woke, he saw America.. England.. the allied forces.. Yao..? Golden eyes started at him hatefully, spite and disgust in his every feature. Around his shoulders was the arm or Russia. That smiling face soon led him away. Not before turning back of course and mouthing a few words. Isnt your love simply wonderful..?
China himself looked hurt. Something that he himself did to the other. The person he wanted to keep close and love and cherish. the person he wanted to be with forever. He had hurt. He had hurt horribly. Is love.. it was a dangerous thing. He thought back of his previous love, England. Perhaps he knew how dangerous his love was. Perhaps that was why he ran away. he did not want to be loved in such a way. Kiku's love would hurt the ones that was supposed to be protected by it. Kiku's love was dangerous. This was a lesson, Kiku swore never to forget. If he wanted to love another person again.. he would do do by keeping as far away as possible. It would be the best. That night, with that lesson, Kiku Honda stopped his heart and cried again.
But even with his tears, he knew that his heart was no longer beating.
Love hurts. It huts the person who loves, and it hurts the person who is loved. This was something that Kiku Honda learned. He promised himself he would never fall in love again. It was not worth it. It would hurt not only him, but the other party as well. He did not deserve to love anyway, since he would only cause hurt for the one he loved. He was a broken person, with multiple personalities, an unstable mind, and was covered so deep in sin that he did not even have the strength to move forwards. How could he move forward when he never knew the full extent of what he did? How could he ever apologise when he knew he probably did things that simply could not be apologised for? He did not even know how far he went.. How can he do anything, when he was unable to be sure of himself..?
Such a person.. such a person did not deserve love, or even pity. He did not deserve sympathy. In fact, he did not deserve anything at all. So he calmly took all the negative words thrown to his face everyday. He made sure that he would always try his best to apologise for the things that he had done, knowingly or unknowingly. And he knew he could never stop doing it, because there would never be an end in sight where he would finally be worthy of anything. The world was dull and grey, and that was how it was supposed to be. So he created a world where he would be worth something. His world of 2D. His escape. His lifeline. His safety, for without it, he would have surely drowned into a pit of depression.
He forgot about love. It wasnt meant for him. He put his shields up. He would never fall in love again. Love was out to hurt him, and hurt the one he loved as well. He would not let another be hurt by him,. He would not let the person he cared about be hurt by him. Even if he needed to push that person away with all his might. It was for both their own good. Kiku would not be hurt again. And neither would the one he loved.
That was why when blue eyes turned to him and a small smile graced the German nation's face the next time, Honda Kiku only returned it with a small nod, turned, and walked away.
End~
that was really good. Awe-striking.