THE HETALIA MUSICAL!

[belbel]

Act 1, Scene 1

(Setting: A meeting room. In the centre is a large, circular conference table with three people, Italy, Germany and Japan, seated around it and waiting.)

Italy: (whilst doodling on a pile of papers in front of him) Veee~ Luddi, I’m bored.

Germany: (sighs and rolls eyes) Ja, Italy. You’ve said that already. We just have to wait for the others to arrive.

Italy: (looks up) Ve, but Luddi~ It’s not that, ve. I’m bored with these boring meetings!

(Germany does not reply and goes back to reading through his papers. Japan meanwhile is sitting silently, probably trying to sense the mood. Italy suddenly jumps out of his seat.)

Italy: Ve! Guys, I have an idea! Let’s make a musical!

(Germany and Japan stare at him blankly.)

Japan: (After a long silence.) Ah... Feli-kun... why would we want to do that, if you do not mind me asking?

Italy: Because, ve, it will be fun!

(Suddenly, Prussia, Spain and France burst into the room.)

France: Ohonhonhon~ Did we hear someone say, un musical?

Germany: ...Where did you three come from?

Prussia: (ignores Germany) Kesesese~ That’d be awesome!

Spain: Si! Count us in!

Italy: (cheers) Ve, Grazie mi amici!

France: And of course I, Le Roi d’Amour shall be the star. (swoons) Ohonhonhon~

Germany: (face-palms) Mein Gott...

Japan: (stands up) So we are doing a... musical, hai?

Italy and Spain: Si!

France: But of course~

Japan: (nods) Hai. Then I shall call Hungary-san and tell her to bring some of her cosplay outfits. (pulls out a phone and walks out of the room to make the call).

Italy: Yay! We’re doing a musical! (pulls Germany out of his seat) Ve, this’ll be so much fun! And you’ll join in to, right Luddi?

Germany: (sighs) Ja, I suppose...

Prussia: Kesesese~

Spain: What are we waiting for, mi amigos? We should start the show off with a bang.

France: Ah oui. (winks at Italy) Do you mind if we start with some Bad Touch Trio magic? Ohonhonhon~

Italy: Ve, of course not! Go on fratello.

France: Then cue the music.

Song 1: The Bad Touch (Prussia, France and Spain)

Prussia: Kesesese~ We'd appreciate your input

France: Sueur baby, sueur baby for I am Le Roi d’Amour, me and you do the kind of stuff that only I would sing about
Spain: So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel... tomatoes!
France: Yes I'm Francis,
Prussia: Yes I'm Gilbert
Spain: We are all giving you thumbs up
Pussia: Can’t get enough of the bad touch
France: Spread some amour
Spain: Not out of bounds
France: We want you smothered
Spain: Want you covered
Prussia: Like Belgium’s chocolate waffles

France: Faire maintenant!
Spain and Prussia: You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Spain: Hacerlo de nuevo ahora!
Prussia and France: You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Prussia: Erste geil jetzt!

-musical interlude- (Prussia, France and Spain jump up on the table and start dancing around. Italy is clapping in the background and Germany has his head buried in his hands in shame. –end of musical interlude-

Prussia: You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
France: Le refaire maintenant! You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Spain: Hazlo ahora! You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Prussia: Machen Sie es jetzt wieder!
All three: You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Gettin' horny now!

-musical interlude- (The three continue dancing until the music stops)

End of song

Italy: (starts applauding) Ve~ That was great!

France: (blows a kiss and bows) But of course! I was in it!

Germany: Where did that music come from?

Spain: (ignores Germany) Mi amigos, should we go get the other nations together so we can have a bigger cast?

Italy: (cheers) Sì! I’m sure that Ms Iona and Ms Elizabeta would want to be involved, ve.

France: I can get mon amour Écosse to join aussi.

Prussia: He might bring his brothers.

Italy: Ve, I’ll get Lovi and mia sorella to participate.

Spain: Bueno! Let’s get this show on the road!

(The Bad Touch Trio exit. Italy takes Germany’s wrist and pulls him off stage.)

Germany: (as he is exiting) Mein Gott... We’re really doing this...

End of Scene 1

---

AN: So, Amy and Chris hear with our totally insane minds. Sorry if any of the French, Spanish or German is wrong. We could just see those three singing that song (which we made shorter, clearly). Meh... off to work for the next scene!

[Dylan Kirkland]

*falls over in laughter* That was awesome.

[Carina Jones]

*falls over laughing*

[Natalia Arlovskaya]

:3 Can't wait to read more~

[belbel]

Act 1, Scene 2

(Setting: Belgium’s living room. Hungary and Ireland are fan-girling over a huge amount of yaoi mangas that are spread across the floor.)

Song 2: Gay Bar (Hungary and Ireland)

-introduction- (Suddenly, music starts playing. Hungary stands up and points dramatically at Ireland)

Hungary: You! I wanna take you to a gay bar. I wanna take you to a gay bar. I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!

(Ireland jumps up and pulls out her camera)

Ireland: Let's take some pics. Take some yaoi pics. At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar. Squee!

-guitar solo- (Hungary starts playing air guitar whilst Ireland takes photos of her). Ireland: At the gay bar. -end of guitar solo-

Hungary: Now tell me do ya,
Ireland: Do ya know who needs pairing?
Hungary: We gotta do some more pairing. At the gay bar
Ireland: Gay bar
Both: Gay bar!

-another guitar solo- (This time they both do air guitar) -pause- (They freeze briefly) -guitar solo again- (Start air guitar again) -end of guitar solo-

Hungary: We’ve got info to get out you!
Ireland: We’ve got info to get out you!
Both: We’ve got info to get out you! At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar. Squee!

-last guitar solo- (Ireland does air guitar whilst Hungary claps to the beat) -end of guitar solo-

Hungary: We love superstars
Ireland: At the gay bar
Hungary: We love superstars
Ireland: At the gay bar
Both: Squee! We love superstars, at the gay bar. We love superstars, at the gay bar. Superstars.

End of Song

(After the music stops, the girls flop on the floor amongst the mangas and giggle.)

Ireland: Hey... wait a second. (sits up) Why did I just feel the sudden need to burst into song?

Hungary: (laughs) Chill Inny. Didn’t you know?

Ireland: Know what?

Hungary: (takes out phone and shows it to Ireland) I got a text from Kiku. We’re doing a musical now.

Ireland: (reads the text) Oh? That sounds fun!

Hungary: (puts phone away, rolls onto stomach and starts flipping through another manga) That’s what I said.

(Belgium walks into the room carrying a tray of chocolate waffles. Music starts up again)

Song 3: Milkshake Waffles (Belgium)

Begium: My waffles bring all my friends to my house, and they’re like, “They’re the best waffles.” Damn right! They’re the best waffles! I will make them and there is no charge. My waffles bring all my friends to my house, and they’re like, “They’re the best waffles.” Damn right! They’re the best waffles! I will make them and there is no charge.

(Belgium puts the tray down in front of Hungary and Ireland, who instantly sit up and start eating them).

Belgium: I know you want them, covered in chocolate. What you two both come here for. You lose your minds. The way they taste. (looks at the other two eating happily and nods) I think they’re good.

La la-la la la. Warm them up. La la-la la la. You won’t go hungry. La la-la la la. Warm them up. La la-la la la. You won’t go hungry.

My waffles bring all my friends to my house, and they’re like, “They’re the best waffles.” Damn right! They’re the best waffles! I will make them and there is no charge.

End of Song

(Belgium trails off, looking confused. The others finish off eating.)

Belgium: Why did I just-?

Ireland: (interrupts) -Burst into song? We’ll all start doing it. There’s a musical going on.

Belgium: ...Uh...

(Italy suddenly rushes into the room)

Italy: Ve~ Ciao, belle donne! (waves) Are you going to join the musical, ve?

Hungary: (stands up and nods whilst wiping away a nosebleed) Duh! We’ll do it, right Fem Bad Touch Trio? (grins at Ireland and Belgium)

Ireland: (punches the air) Right!

Belgium: (shrugs) Sure, I’ll join too.

Italy: Yay! Now we have some beautiful women in the cast. (Ireland flushes bright red whilst Hungary laughs) Grazie, belle donne. Grazie!

(The Bad Touch Trio and Japan enter)

France: Ohonhonhon~ Alors, we have les filles now, oui?

Prussia: Ha! We’ll be so much more awesome than them, obviously.

Spain: Si, we’ll steal the show.

(Ireland, Hungary and Belgium stand up and have a mini face off with Prussia, France and Spain.)

Hungary: (raises an eyebrow) Oh really? You do know us girls are way better at this sort of thing than you? (Ireland nods in agreement)

Prussia: (scoffs) Yeah right. The awesome us- the original Bad Touch Trio- will steal the show.

Japan: (steps in) Now is not the time for a sing-off, I am sorry to say. You can do that later. First we need to get more people involved.

Hungary: (narrows her eyes at Prussia) Fine, we’ll show-down later. What’s the plan now?

Italy: We want to get as many people as possible involved, ve!

Ireland: Hm... I have a way to bring my brothers into this.

Spain: Really? You can?

France: Mon amour refused when I contacted him.

Ireland: (chuckles) Trust me, this method cannot fail!

(Ireland starts to evil-laugh. The others give her odd looks before quickly exiting. Ireland stops and rushes after them.)

End of Scene 2

---

AN: And now to bed! We’ll write more... soon...

[Dylan Kirkland]

I feel sorry for Iona's brothers...wait...Dylan! *runs to find him*

[Hamish Kirkland]

Scotland is hiding now XD

[Emily Jones]

*dies laughing*

[Angelica Vargas-Jones]

*dies laughing*

This. This is awesomeness!!!!

[Carina Jones]

... Wait it's abnormal to burst out into song? *facepalm*
*snickers*

[belbel]

Act 1, Scene 3

(Setting: A pub. Ireland is sitting up at the bar. The Bad Touch Trio, Italy, Japan, Germany, Hungary and Belgium are seated at a table across the room. They are hiding behind menus, trying to look inconspicuous.)

Italy: (lowers his menu, whispers) Ve, I hope Ms Iona’s plan works.

Japan: (puts down menu) Do not worry, Feli-kun. I am sure the Ireland-san will- (he is cut off as the door to the pub opens. England, Scotland and Wales enter)

France: (gasps) They’re here! (the nations quickly go back to hiding behind their menus.)

(The three Kirkland’s spot Ireland and join her at the bar. England and Scotland sit either side of her, Wales on the other side of England. The three each order a drink, not noticing the other nations watching them.)

England: Good to see you again, Iona. It’s been a while.

Ireland: (smiles and nods) Well, I thought it’d be a grand idea to turn down a pint with my brothers.

Scotland: (after downing a whisky) Guid. We thooght ye decided tae meit tae try an' convince us tae join 'at glaikit musical Italy is plannin'. (sneers) Ye wooldnae dae 'at, woods ye, Iona?

Ireland: (gulps) Uh...

Wales: (rolls his eyes) I knew it. Annoying little sister.

Ireland: Oh come one! Why won’t you do it? It’ll be great fun!

England: (scoffs) Iona, you will never see me prancing around a stage and singing. Not ever. End of story.

Ireland: I’ll force you to join if you don’t willingly!

England: (laughs) Ireland, you know you wouldn’t do that.

Ireland: (scowls, stubbornly crosses her arms over her chest) And why not?

England: (smirks) Because, you never mess with the British Empire.

Song 4: Don’t Mess With Me (England)

-introduction- (music starts playing and England pulls himself up so he is sitting on the bar)

England: How it all began, if truth to be told. Had a master plan. Then I ruled the world. Took them by surprise. Worked my way up hill. They looked into my eyes. I became invincible. (Ireland raises an eyebrow at England and turns to Wales, who shrugs.)

No one could stop me for only I was in control. If you wanted me you'd better contact my people. In my crown, I was king. I loved their endless worshiping. I’m still raw, a dinosaur. But I will never be extinct. So don't mess with me. I'll shoot you down. Don't mess with me. (England crescendos and leaps up onto the bar. He continues singing as he parades across it, kicking off other customer’s drinks and food as he goes.)

'Cause everybody else’s heads did roll! I made their misery my goal. If they wanted survival, they kneeled on my arrival for that was how I rule the woooooooooooooooooooooorld~! (during the crescendo, he stops in the middle of the bar, holding his arms above his head dramatically)

-musical interlude- (England prances back across the bar so he is standing over his siblings. Everyone in the pub is staring at him with open mouths but he doesn’t seem to notice. As the interval draws to a close, he crouches down and stares his siblings in the eye.) -end of musical interlude-

England: No one could stop me for only I was in control. If you wanted me you'd better contact my people. In my crown, I was king. I loved their endless worshiping. I’m still raw, a dinosaur. But I will never be extinct. So don't mess with me. I'll shoot you down. Don't mess with me. Don't mess with me. I'll knock you down. Don't mess with me. I'll shoot you down. Don't mess with me!

End of Song

(When the music stops, England jumps down off the bar, straightens his tie and sits back down at his seat. Everyone in the pub is still staring at him in shock, but he ignores them. Germany rolls his eyes and turns his attention to a gawking Prussia.)

Germany: (whispers) I thought he just said no one will ever see him prancing around a stage and singing.

Prussia: (giggle-snorts, hides behind his menu again)

Hungary: (whispers to Belgium behind her menu) What the hell was that?

Belgium: God knows.

(The British Isle siblings begin slowly drinking again)

Ireland: (finishes off her Guinness) Well... I must say Artie, that was... interesting.

England: The point I was trying to make was that you don’t mess with me, aka force me to do some stupid musical.

(A chorus of “Oh!” comes up from the hiding nations as they all lower their menus. England, Wales and Scotland look round just as the group quickly go back to hiding, so they do not see the others spying on them.)

Scotland: (turns back to the bar, puts down his empty glass and slaps down some money on the counter) Ah hink we shoods gang.

(Wales and England nod in agreement, and the three stand up to leave.)

Ireland: Hey! Wait a minute! (she grabs Wales’ sleeve) At least stay a bit longer for another drink.

(The brothers look at each other, eyeing up their sister suspiciously. After a few tense moments of silence, they sit back down. Ireland nods and quickly orders them all a round of drinks, smirking when they’re not looking. Spain looks over his menu and raises an eyebrow.)

Spain: What is she doing now?

(The British Isles all raise their glasses and begin drinking)

Sometime later....

(A rowdy, drunken chorus are singing loudly. England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland are up on the tables leading the other pub-goers in song. Empty glasses and cans litter the pub, mainly around the area where the British Isle siblings were seated earlier. The other nations are still watching, trying to fight back hysterics at the sight.)

Song 5: The Beer Song (England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales and pub chorus)

Scotland: (stumbles around the table drunkenly, almost falling off) Och whit is th' malted liquur?
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Ireland: What gets you drunker quicker?
Wales: What comes in bottles or in cans?
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
England: Can’t get enough of it
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Scotland: Hoo we pure loove it
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Ireland: (stands upright, trying to look more masculine) Makes me think I’m a man!
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Wales: I could kiss and hug it! (kisses his full glass)
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
England: (takes Wales’ glass and steals a mouthful of beer) But I’d rather chug it!
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Scotland: Fill mah belly up tae haur. (holds his glass above his head)
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Ireland: I could not refuse a
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Wales: I could really use a
England: Beer, beer, beer.
Chorus: (stamping their feet in time as they chant) Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.

Scotland: (falls off table and begins to stumble around the pub, slurring as he sings) Ah cannae min' hoo much Ah hae hud. (Ireland jumps down after him, also stumbling but clearly not as drunk)
Ireland: I drank a twelve pack, with my bráithre (Wales and England come up behind her, each putting a hand on her shoulder. They struggle to stay upright and start leaning on her.)
Wales: That’s my sis the drunken manly stud
England: We’re proud to be her buds! (he and Wales clink glasses)
Scotland: (holds out a bowl of pretzels in their faces) Haur hae some pretzels
Wales: No! I’ll call it quits. (England nods in agreement)
England: Those things give me the Schlitz! (The four siblings start laughing loudly and hold up their glasses)

British Isles: Drink with your family, drink it with your friends
England, Wales and Scotland: Drink till you’re fat, stomach distends,
Ireland: Beer is liquid bread it’s good for you!
British Isles: We like to drink till we spew!
Chorus: (all look disgusted) EW!
Scotland: (to his family) Fa cares if we gie fat?
Wales: (raises his glass in agreement) I’ll drink to that!
England: As we sing once more...

Scotland: (leads his family in a dance/ring-around-the-roses) Och whit is th' malted liquur?
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Ireland: What gets you drunker quicker?
Wales: What comes in bottles or in cans?
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
England: Can’t get enough of it
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Scotland: Hoo we pure loove it
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Ireland: Makes me think I’m a man!
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Wales: I could kiss and hug it!
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
England: But I’d rather chug it!
Chorus: (everyone raises their glasses) BEER!
Scotland: Fill mah belly up tae haur. (They stop dancing in circles)
British Isles: Golly I adore it
Chorus: (everyone stands up) BEER!
British Isles: Come on dammit pour it, Do it for me, Brew it for me, Feed it to me, Speed it to me.
Chorus: BEER!
British Isles and chorus: The most wonderful drink in the world hooray! (on the last beat, everybody thrusts up their glasses, spilling alcohol all over the place)

End of Song

(The siblings stagger back to their table, Ireland sending a wink over to the other nations, who look totally confused. The family sit down, Wales almost misses his chair and Scotland lands on his face on the table)

Ireland: (slurred giggles) Heehee~ See, that was fun! Singing is a really... fun thing to do.

Scotland: (mumbles something unintelligible with his face pressed up against the table)

England: (wobbles on his chair, points at Scotland) W-what he s-s-said... (falls off his chair)

Ireland: Will you three join the musical now you’ve seen how good this sort of thing can be?

Wales: Ugh.... (slurs) S-shure! Why the hell not! (pulls England off the floor)

England: Whatever you say, your Highness (bows to Ireland before stumbling over again)

Scotland: (starts snoring loudly)

(Ireland giggles at her brothers and sends a thumbs up to the other nations. Germany shakes his head in disbelief.)

Germany: She actually did it...

(Belgium and Hungary high-five each other)

Italy: Ve, Ms Iona did a great job!

(He gets up and quickly leaves the pub, going round behind the British Isle’s table so as not to be noticed. The Kirkland’s are too drunk to notice as the rest of the group quickly follow Italy. Ireland pulls a half-asleep Scotland to his feet and drags him out of the pub, England and Wales stumbling along behind her.)

End of Scene 3

---

AN: Don't even ask where this came from... We're still hyper from last night, which is worrying. Amy and Chris, over and out.

[Carina Jones]

*snickers* Ah god the beer song xD
So much crack and win *falls over laughing*

[Dylan Kirkland]

...can't...breathe...laughing...too...hard

[Hamish Kirkland]

Poor Scotland is the most drunk.

[romanoplustomatoes]

....*flops over laughing* Oh man, genius! I give credit to you and Chris! XD